let the memories be good for those who stay

love this song.

days like these i put problems aside, look at them, and realise how small they are, in reality. why do i whine and moan about these wrong things that are far smaller, and so obviously not as great as the things that are going right? yet again i've been nothing but a fool to wallow in my own petty, self-made problems.

i cannot wait to lead P&W again. i want to sing to the Lord so badly, and i already have a song lineup that i just know will touch someones heart, and i really want to touch that heart so very much, so very soon. to sing as well i suppose, but that person's gonna get it one way or another, and i hope it's thru this praise and worship session i'm planning. :D

read Min's blog about how she took a walk and met God halfway thru. i want that. im sure i've had it before, but i want it again. i yearn for more, much more. i think i'll go painting again soon. it was so refreshing. this time, alone. or someone who will paint with me, in silence and feel the hipster music in the air and indulge in it, let their painting be swayed by it. the company of my friends is wonderful. (or is it are wonderful. oh well this isnt an english exam) but i love time alone as well, on occasions. this is one of those occasions. and on another note which is too short to put into a separate paragraph, Josh told me today i dont look like an ISFP, or basically an I. i believe i am an introvert, i really do. i wonder why doesnt anyone else.

i want to take that holiday with my AD class very soon, i am very excited to spend 3 days doing nothing but playing my guitarlele again, this time with cold weather. even better, like a dream come true! and Meta. im looking forward to visiting, i really pray for the lives there. safety, fun and a touch from God.

in the coming weeks, i'll be facing my last weeks with Perspective, CGPP and Creative Thinking, and my 3rd Semester, and also my 1st year in TOA. time really does fly when you're having fun.

Fin~

selfish

"being selfish once in a while isn't wrong."

but, what is it i need, exactly?
i knew i was being stupid. (:

i cant wait to see our photos from today. still need a photo with Mesh, Ben, Zheng and Ivory each. no, two! one decent, one nonsensical. 

Fin~

twit twat

for anyone who read that selfish, childish post last night i posted without thinking, i'm sorry. it was late, i was tired, and i was only thinking of myself. i know my mistake now, forgive me. you, especially. i cant control my feelings around you, even reading the daily things that happen to you, maybe cause i just want to be there as your friend, someone you can depend on, lean on. i should be happy for you that you are, glad. but im not. cause as hard as i've tried before time and time again, it still wasnt me you'd heart.

i gave you all.
and i will continue to give.
cause this is what i believe it's supposed to be. it's true, sincere. and it's not for me. it's for you.

Fin~

sacred meeting time

once every week, hmm? whatever keeps that happiness.

i'm leaving figures 3 soooon. i've seen talk about how drawing the background with the lightbox is cheating. but i dont understand. yeah i guess it is a more noob way, makes you seem weak. but it's a way still, and it gets the job done. pretty easily too. i'd do it, my lines are wayyy to hard to erase, something else i need to fix ahhaa. i'm still contemplating whether it really is that bad and weak to use a lightbox. oh well. another week to live.

Fin~

pro but noob.

YAY painting! lady looks a little like a man, hair's too dark, i blame the black, and the clothes are weird. but hey, YAY PAINTING! i havent painted since the last sem, and i think i LOVE it. it's SO much more fun without the boundaries the classes set for us. freestyle painting, it's so LOVELY. whenever i'm bored, this is what i shall do.

both my lecturers're losing their first impressions, one more than the other. i'm starting to love them both, one more than the other too. some are starting to look a little different from their previous impressions too, and that isn't too good. used to think he was better than that. but all in all, i predicted about right about all of them, accept one. i didnt predict this friendship.

my third sem is already ending. i honestly didnt learn much this sem, kinda felt like it just came and went, study wise. everything else is fine and as it should be. living the dream.

Fin~

Empty Space

yay figures 3.

days like these, you brush those feelings off, bry.  dont let petty matters get in the way of your happiness.
life's still great, and you got an excellent day ahead of you.

Fin~

lost and found: minds 2

i've been daydreaming again, in the middle of class. good thing it was a simple, fine class. didnt have much work, just a simple update and brief, some minor classwork. my mind was everywhere today, so misplaced and scatter-brained. thinking of so many things at the same time, and not thinking at all at some times too.

i cant wait to paint on wednesday, im very excited. my imagination of the scene i want is there, i cant wait to try it out. i have a soar throat and i still want to worship lead so badly! Lord heal me plzzxz, and bring march closer, i really want to serve again. i really want Last Dinosaurs' debut album, Miike Snow's sophomore too! Meta's creeping in too, i really hope they are ready. great things are up ahead.

Fin~

wait for the drop..

HAHA look at us.

talking with the people, realizing even more how important the heart is. i think i really have to hand it to Brother Phillip. he really does have the right heart for the youth. he loves, cares and fathers us so sincerely. we owe him a great debt hahahaha. where would we be without the right heart to do things. everything would have been a flop. El Elyon, every P&W session, Cell Time, Prayer Meetings. i thank God constantly for he has placed my heart in the right position to serve. this isnt normal. it's very God-like. i thank You for it Lord.

so this is what it feels like to be proud of someone. proud to know the person has grown and matured, and the person is taking charge, representing little bits and pieces of our leaders too, the good qualities. it's really uplifting, beautiful.
also encouraging to know people look up to you, that what you have done impacted this person's life, for they trust you to have good advice for them to use, tho you rarely dish out any advice you find all up there. hahaha
this must be also how it feels to be loved. heheh. love you too boy!

this is for you.
and everyone else who needs a laugh.
but especially for you. :D

gooooood monday morning. (:

Fin~

on a more serious note:

went for the praise and worship post mortem today, and i was so glad to see the people there and their dedication. new fresh faces, grown up golden oldies and the apprentices taking over.*sniff* so beautiful. and the words spoken, it remains true; we must never settle for this, the standard we are at. we must strive further. there's no such this as perfection, but we must strive for it. we must forever improve our skills, and ourselves. i'm so glad to be part of this team, this family.

in other news, just heard Last Dinosaurs' album via Facebook streaming, and OMG DAT SHIT CRAAAAY man. it's SO good.
and i'm feeling less sickly by the second, PTL BRO PTL. (:
here's to the future!

Fin~

Kahyan Likes My Milkshakes

My frozen lactose-based dairy beverage attracts the general male populous to the grassy enclosure in front my place of residence, and they proclaim its quality is superior to yours, I can inform you of the recipe but I must demand compensation.

o yeah.

Fin~

hey hey it's 9:12pm

AND I'M STILL PROCRASTINATING. :D
need some passion to continue this nonsense.

Fin~

SILICONE AND HUMAN

Audrey Theah, in the future, i want to read back and know that you said SILICONE instead of CYCLONE, but that's okay. happy birthday, too! :D that right there is my entire singapore trip.

got back from singapore, and all i could think of was the youth. all of them, every one of them, how they were doing and what was going on that week. like a father to a child. omagad im falling so in love with the community, the feel! the chairs are getting SO FILLED, i see they even needed the BENCH! every week is a new adventure, and more people are getting involved in the worship team, it's amazing to see. all this new, raw, kept talent soon to be out in the open, for God. it's so refreshing to know how much is going on, and i cant wait to be there and experience it again. went to Montfort last thursday too, and it was amazing. i love being able to see lives get touched and turned around, seeing people given a second chance, wanting and hoping for a second chance. it's so beautiful, i want to be part of it all.

is this what prayer and longing and desperation does to you? a stronger wanting for more? a strange feeling i havent felt since my younger days, and that was when i was still misguided in what i truly wanted to do. but it's still different. now that my mind is clear, and i'm fired up, it's truly different. it feels so sincere and pure, and i pray it's as i feel it is, the energy flowing beneath my skin. i'm so tired, yet i cant wait to serve with all i have again.

lovely, simple lovely. this next 2 weeks are going to be a blast of happy anxiety till the next youth service.

Fin~

too much creativity/bad ideas

went for a surprisingly interesting and useful talk this morning. was very inspiring as well. managed to answer my questions somewhat and give me some direction. and apparently overload of creativity is real in this line of art, advertising. i guess it's true, we do have boundaries to follow. but the teabag-tea leaves one was just ridiculous. but alas, if i wanted free, untapped creativity i really should just become a painter. perhaps when i'm grey. ah i love art to the bits, so very thankful i'm in this industry.

i think im slowly taking the first step to stepping out and looking at other options.
although i dont have many to choose from, and i'm not trying to be sweet here! the good ones are gone, and the compatible ones are under the sea or held captive by the ravaging monster known as the boyfriend.
i have pretty/little-awkward/semi-hipster lecturer! has a boyfriend tho, rats! heehee jk.
life's looking up so far. i want it to stay up. oh God i pray it does.

hmm. i should really start praying daily again. i honestly dont even know how i'm getting thru life being a christian, i dont even read the bible. Brother Phillip forgive me. i'm a disgrace. haha. but yeah. all these little stuff, it changes things. God changes things. i want change.

Fin~

want, on hold.

oh, stop it, you. how you read my mind and shared the same idea about how much we value our brotherhood, it's just simply adorable. (:

so, we dont always get what we want. but im sure i'm getting what i need.
thank you so much.

the lost weeks have come to an end.

Fin~

want.

talked and teared up with a good friend today. my mind's failing me, my heart's breaking without even being touched. so many things i feel i'm doing right, yet so much i've yet to learn if right or wrong. so many things i believe is the real way, but so many things i realise i don't understand. loneliness is creeping from every angle, and i even forgot God was there for me. stupid, real stupid.

no one's really ready for the idea of letting go, are they? they say that "if you love someone so much, you have to learn to let them go". and i have convinced myself, every part of me, that i am. it is only fair and right. i only want what's best for you, and that is nothing but the truth. you will always come first. if you want something else in someone else, i have to let you go, and i will. i will let you go, because i love you, and that is what it means to me to be in love, that you always put the loved before yourself. and i say i'm ready, cause i have prepared myself, and know i am as ready as i'll ever be. but i'm not, really. no one is.

i wish we could be what we want to be and do what we want to do and still be what we want in each other without trying. i want to never have to sacrifice anything for you in the dark, and you would want to know about every sacrifice i make, cause it's all for you. i want to be the first and only choice in your eyes, and you in mine, and we both would never want to choose someone else. i want you, and i wish you wanted me now too.

but we don't always get what we want.
i hope if not now, that what i want will be what you want as well soon.
i'm still fighting while i can with all i am for what i want.
i always will.

Fin~

broken.

broken broken broken.
please. i need a replenishing of strength. i need to hear them.

Fin~

i need

to get away from it all.

Fin~

SINK THE PINK

i feel i have nothing to offer to the people around me. i know i know, i'm doing the best i can and that's what's supposed to matter, and hell maybe it is, but i can't help it. i want to be there for everyone, but not everyone needs me, and i dont have everything everyone needs. broke my wallet zipper today, realised my bag's close to breaking last week, and my emotions for everything are reaching an all time high, and i can't seem to come down. as great as that sounds, it's really not. im sure it's a phase, and all phases pass, but the phase is here and now. this sucks.

Fin~

keep it.

met Yokepei today, really surprised me. silly girl doesnt tell me anything. missed her so much, but she made up for it lah. felt so much better after telling her my current situation; that's always how it is with me and her. i always end up telling her my problems and she doesnt always have the answers, but i love how she loves to listen, or at least listens even if she doesnt want to, pretend if she must. but she so kepoh, im sure she enjoys my stories. :D i dont care where i am on your list of nonsense whatever, you're pretty high up on mine. thanks yokepei! and i know you read, so yes this whole paragraph is for you. yay!

i think i need to learn how to not ask people about their problems. i sincerely want to help everyone in any way i can, i want to be a pillar of strength to someone all the time, and i yearn to be the one who listens, but i dont seem to realise not everyone wants my help. i can't offer that much anyway, but i really want to offer all i have to anyone who needs it. but i guess i dont need to know everything. nothing done in excess is ever good, even offering your shoulder. just be THERE, Bryan, not force your way in, jeez. get it together, man.

Fin~

always something. 2

i love how you always start a conversation by insulting me, saying stuff that hurt, stuff that i already know, and then only after giving me an option. that's great, not hurtful and totally does not instill anger and sorrow. im getting pretty tired of having to prove myself in the dark, just so i dont have to face you coming home to ask me whether i exersised or not today. it's pressuring, and i thought that as your son, maybe, you know, you'd pick up on my traits, like maybe, i dunno, i can't do well under pressure? that's pretty useful to know. but hey.

and i'm just starting to remember the whole singapore thing. thanks again, srsly. i mean, it's definitely not your fault that you planned on a saturday already knowing that i not only dislike holidays with you because you are always doing stuff only you think is fun, and that i have a chance of having saturday classes. what's even better now is that the lecturer doesnt do replacements. and if i miss another class, even if im sick, im failing this sem. but hey, at least we're all going on a holiday. with another family. whatever that is supposed to do for us. all's peachy.

Fin~